Dealing with Death on the Road

I think most people think about their relationship with people as "Who would I call if...." Me, I think about their impact on me would be if they died. Would I be sad for a moment because it's a life lost? Would their loss be felt for years to come? Would my world come crashing down? Then there are those complicated relationships where you aren't sure because you know that their impact on your life may not yet be fully realized. Perhaps I'm morbid for thinking this way, but even before cancer, I found myself thinking about how I would feel about people if I lost them. When I got the news of my dad's death I thought about the people he was closest too, and how much pain they must be feeling. I cried hearing about my stepmom trying to save him. I cried for my sister who tried so hard to keep in touch with a man some may describe as indifferent when it came to his relationship with us. In a sense, this brought about a different kind of pain. Once in which I realized I did not know him well enough to feel the pain of his loss in the same way they did.

I'm not entirely sure that complicated is the right word to describe my relationship with my dad. As I reflect on our time together in this life, it was probably equal when it came to the times where we weren't speaking to each other and when were speaking we were watching our words so that we wouldn't get into a fight. Our speaking interactions were frequently short, much in the same way one might talk to a coworker. Yet, unlike a coworker I knew that if anyone ever messed with us, my dad would be there to kick their ass. That was how I knew he loved us. It's hard to explain to people that one can be completely absent in so many ways, but their willingness to take someone down for you is a form of love. While in many ways my dad and I are different, I realized a few years ago, that I too defined my love for people by showing up when they need me. While I'm not always open, and can be rough around the edges, when people would say they didn't know where they stood with me, it always perplexed me. Mostly, because they were people that I'd shown up for, over and over. Showing up to give someone a ride home in the middle of the night when they don't have the money to get home. Helping someone pack up their home at the last minute. Protecting them from those who would take advantage of them. Truth be told, that while I may not always show it in the way that people think it should be expressed, I care deeply about those I've let into my life.

I think this is perhaps what leads to so much difficulty in relationships. We all have ideas of what it is to be loved, and yet not everyone is capable of loving us in the way that we want. It's this that can lead to fights, or to us cutting people out of our lives. We assume they don't care, when in all reality they care but are unable to communicate it in a way that we can understand. While some people cause a lot of pain in our lives, and we choose to walk away, there's something to be said for understanding that we were still loved during our time together. The ability to appreciate that love comes in all forms can be a difficult one. We must realize that we are all shaped by our own experiences and while we may think that someone doesn't love us, the reality is that maybe they aren't capable of showing us in the way we think they should. Perhaps the hardest thing is to realize that sometimes being absent in someone's life is also a form a love.

As Gabby and I have traveled I've met so many different people, and heard stories of their struggles in life and in relationships. I've exchanged laughs and tears with people that I've met. These are interactions with people who I may never again meet, but they've provided moments of comfort and a sense of community while living a life in which a community can be difficult to have. I've come to realize how different we all are, but our desire for connection and for someone to understand us is universal. While my dad and I weren't close in the typical sense, I do know that there are many things that I have gotten from him. In his death I've reflected on his impact on my life, and it's amazing how someone can be absent for so much of it, and yet have such a profound impact. Perhaps he can be here for me in death in a way he was never able to be around for me in this life.

Rest in Peace Dad